Bullying comes in a variety of forms (social, emotional, physical) but the results are often the same. There is a distinct lack of self-esteem, which can persist well into adulthood and sometimes throughout an entire lifetime. There can also be backlash behaviours such as acting out or “passing on” the bullying behaviours.
Spotting bullying can be quite difficult, especially in the teen years when the perpetrators are more savvy. In young children it tends to be more physical or blatant name-calling. In teens, they have learnt what buttons to press but can do so far more subtly and have branched out into other forms of social intimidation and psychological torture, isolation being one example of this type of behaviour.
It is unfair to think that teachers can be the only ones to stop bullying in the school. Parents must take some responsibility for their child’s actions. However, especially in primary school, teachers spend a lot of time with their students and should be tuning in on their emotional state and any unexplained changes in patterns of behaviour. The once quiet, placid child who is now always getting trouble might be a sign that they are being bullied, either at home or at school. The child might be trying to fit in so they don’t get bullied or they would rather get in trouble and “sit out” at lunchtime rather than face the children who are bullying them.
There are some strategies for dealing with bullies that can be adopted. Not every strategy will work for every situation. It can be a bit of trial an error, which is not helpful for the person being bullied. Having as much knowledge about what bullying is and how it can be triggered is an important step in combating it. I am not going to list the strategies here, nor am I going to go through the pros and cons of each strategy. That is something everyone should do for themselves because then you have learnt it, I haven’t told you it.
It is foolish to think that there is any social grouping that does not experience some type of bullying. Even in supposedly intelligent, adult social structures it exists. It annoys me when principals of schools or heads of departments in workplaces turn around and say, “We have an anti-bullying policy, we don’t have bullies at our school.” The anti-bullying policies being there doesn’t stop the bully, putting them into action helps to prevent it but it still happens because people are afraid to report it.
Sometimes I think back to my own school experience and wonder why I never spoke up about people making fun of the way I looked. I think it was because I was afraid of being rejected even more. In the end, it didn’t even matter because I spent most of my lunchtimes alone or in the staff room of one of the departments. Perhaps if I had said something when it first started, then it wouldn’t have got that far.
The help I needed wasn’t the help I wanted and I rejected the only help ever offered to me. Admittedly it was probably too little too late, but part of the responsibility for that lay squarely on my shoulders for not saying something earlier. Taking responsibility for your own actions is, unfortunately, something most teenagers don’t learn until they become adults, and even then the lesson is sometimes lost.
The result of my experience at school was this attitude: I am not attractive and nothing I do will make me attractive so why bother. It was a vicious cycle. The more people drew attention to the small imperfections, the greater my general hatred of how I looked grew and the less I bothered with my appearance. It was completely opposed to how I wanted to be seen, because I wanted to be that girl all the boys wanted and all the girls envied. The knowledge that I wasn’t, nor ever would be, that girl fuelled the cycle as well.
Another result of my experience was that I would allow any boy/man who showed an interest to do whatever they wanted because I figured that was the best I could do. Even today, I fall “in love” at the drop of a hat. If I am shown any affection, I obsess over that person. Any of my ex’s who are reading this will know what I am talking about. It’s also part of the reason why I can’t make it to that year mark of a relationship. The burn out effect is huge.
But we’re getting off topic. My point is that the effects a bully has can be far-reaching and incredibly detrimental psychologically if not dealt with early enough. Ideally, if it can be stopped before it starts then none of this need happen. In reality, early intervention is the best option because it is impossible to stop every single instance of bullying before it starts.
My advice to any parent or teacher who suspects bullying is to talk to the child. Even if they reject the help initially, keep reminding them that you are there, to talk and to listen and to act if they need or want it. The knowledge that someone is there may not fix the problem but it goes a long way in allowing the child to open up about it.
Truth be told, many victims of your run of the mill schoolyard bullying will grow up and forgive the people who did them damage, especially if the ones who treated them so badly make amends. This doesn’t mean that they condone the actions, just that they understand. Saying “I’m sorry” goes a long way to righting a wrong, no matter what the situation. It doesn’t wipe out what happened or what was said. It doesn’t change the way you see yourself when you look in the mirror. It does change how you see the other person though.
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